To make you laugh

[Tony B]

Spoil sport! Just thinking though, the guy in Number One, better not visit Europe! , :-D

[Enigma]

Shame none of them are true tony http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp :nut:

 

A shame?

If it were true than (Sensored) or they should have been (sensored) or preverably be (censored censored).:mad:

[Tony B]

a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

his mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

the little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.

but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

his mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while".

billy says: "i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. "

mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.

but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

 

 

 

billy says: "it works for tomato sauce!"

[fesm_ndt]

For The MV guys with daughters

 

 

Rules of dating a daughter

 

 

 

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my restored military vehicle?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Edited September 29, 2010 by fesm_ndt

[Tony B]

Reference Rule Three: A few weeks a go one of the locals got on the bus, Calvin Kline's up to the nipples, jeans at about knee hight. On board was a very distingushed, cultured beautilly spoken old lday (Who has a tounge like a chain saw and a mind like a razor) At some stage numppty must have bent over. A clear clarion beautifully modulated remark echoed through the vehicle, 'Young man! You must have ben excceding all the limits to get skid marks like that!'

[Bran D]

TOMMY COOPER JOKES ............

 

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

 

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

 

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

 

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual....'

 

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'

 

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom..'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'

 

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

 

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

 

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

 

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b##tard!'

 

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

 

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

 

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Tony B]

Make that three pints of Brandy!:iamsmiling:

[fesm_ndt]

NCO WISDOM

 

A Lieutenant, a Colonel, and a Sergeant were all killed in a common disaster, and arrived in Heaven together, where they were met by St. Peter.

 

St. Peter asked them, "What would you like the people on Earth to say about you?"

 

The Lieutenant said, "I would like them to say I was a great family man and an inspiration to my children."

 

The Colonel said, "I would like them to say I was a great military leader."

 

The Sergeant said, "I would like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!"

 

 

 

[rosie]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids

from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!

:shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked:

[chevpol]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids

from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!

:shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked:

 

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[ferretfixer]

Mary had a litle lamb.

The Doctor had a fit!

 

 

Or........Mary had a Little Lamb

She also had a Bear

Ive' often seen her Little Lamb

But Ive' never seen her Bear......................:red:

[N.O.S.]

A tired nurse leaves work after a long shift and walks into the nearby bank to cash a cheque.

 

The cashier looks on in horror as she pulls a rectal thermometer from her top pocket and tries to write a cheque with it.

 

Quick as a flash she looks up and says "Well that's just great, some arsehole's got my pen".

[daz76]

A man goes to the Doctor with a steering wheel sticking out of his flies.

Doc asks " how long have you been like this?"

Man replies " Not long, but it's drivin' me nuts..."

[mike65]

Or........Mary had a Little Lamb

She also had a Bear

Ive' often seen her Little Lamb

But Ive' never seen her Bear......................:red:

 

or

 

Mary had a little lamb

One day it dropped down dead

Now it goes to school with her

Between two bits of bread.

 

 

Mike

[rosie]

or

 

Mary had a little lamb

One day it dropped down dead

Now it goes to school with her

Between two bits of bread.

 

 

Mike

:shocked::shocked:

 

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Tony B]

Best one I've heard in a long time! :-D

 

[haybaggerman]

A cowboy asks a red indian what his wife's name is

 

"She called five horses" the indian says

 

"Wow, thats sure an unusual name" says the cowboy

 

"It old indian name, it mean NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG"

[ferrettkitt]

A cowboy asks a red indian what his wife's name is

 

"She called five horses" the indian says

 

"Wow, thats sure an unusual name" says the cowboy

 

"It old indian name, it mean NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG"

 

Laughing in front of the computer on you're todd.... it just isn't right:-)

[ferrettkitt]

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

 

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

 

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't Mess with Old People!

[Degsy]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[shadow_wolf]

Excellent :-D:-D:-D:-D

[schliesser92]

Brill!!

[rosie]

Hornby has emerged as the winner of a £33bn contract to supply trains and infrastructure for ‘HS2′, a high speed rail link between London and the North of England. Previously known as the manufacturer of tiny little trains for the tabletop market the contract was awarded following Hornby’s assurances that they could build low cost accessible transport networks in 1:1 Gauge.

 

The government immediately praised Hornby for their efficiency and emphasised the enormous boost of the project to workers in the crucial plastic church and artificial lichen industries.

 

Hornby’s bid saw off the competition with its unique combination of electric power with convincing ‘chuffing’ noises, affordable pricing, if you actually look at the quality, and a model giraffe that ducks before tunnels. Most of the network is now in place after a couple of hours of reading instructions carefully and sticking new, brightly coloured decals on everything to stop it looking quite so ‘unrealistic’ or even ‘a bit boring’. However, some teething troubles remain: none of the doors on either the carriages or stations appear to open, disabled access is limited due to the wheelchairs being all glued up, and rail enthusiasts are opposing plans to scrap the original boxes the trains came in, which are taking up a large area of Surrey.

 

Services on the new line will be operated by a big, plastic dial in a period signal box in Birmingham and Ministers past a certain age are queuing up to have a go. ‘I let my nephew run the 8.03 service from Manchester to Euston,’ explained the Transport Secretary Philip Hammond. ‘He set a new speed record of 320 miles an hour, and the train only fell off twice. I think we might need to add a bit more folded-up card under that tricky corner at Watford.’

 

‘Ministers were also impressed by our plans for calming local opposition to the route,’ explained Malcolm Dent, Hornby’s head of Planning and Training. ‘Where we’ve been challenged we’ve replaced hundrum, modern locomotives with Thomas the Tank Engine, and villages are now actually campaigning to have the line moved closer to them. That shouldn’t be a problem: the glue hasn’t set yet.’

 

But ASLEF, the train driver’s union, remains criticical, and is demanding the return of neatly-uniformed, well-painted staff. Members were considering strike action, but have instead chosen to hide the big grey rubber needed to clean the tracks.

 

While the dispute remains unresolved, commuters are being offered a replacement Corgi bus service, but heavy congestion is still expected on Scalextric’s new motorway network which runs parallel to the new railway and goes through forests, villages and under a large armchair just outside Cropredy. ‘With hindsight, we should probably have fitted fewer chicanes,’ apologised Hammond. ‘And come to think of it, perhaps putting a lap counter on the M25 might have been a mistake, but that’s the joy of all this, we can always take it apart and lay it out differently for a while until everyone’s had enough and wants to change it again.’

 

Delicate negotiations are continuing between ministers and union leaders, but very quietly in case mum hears and takes their toys away.

[chevpol]

Hornby has emerged as the winner of a £33bn contract to supply trains and infrastructure for ‘HS2′, a high speed rail link between London and the North of England. Previously known as the manufacturer of tiny little trains for the tabletop market the contract was awarded following Hornby’s assurances that they could build low cost accessible transport networks in 1:1 Gauge.

 

The government immediately praised Hornby for their efficiency and emphasised the enormous boost of the project to workers in the crucial plastic church and artificial lichen industries.

 

Hornby’s bid saw off the competition with its unique combination of electric power with convincing ‘chuffing’ noises, affordable pricing, if you actually look at the quality, and a model giraffe that ducks before tunnels. Most of the network is now in place after a couple of hours of reading instructions carefully and sticking new, brightly coloured decals on everything to stop it looking quite so ‘unrealistic’ or even ‘a bit boring’. However, some teething troubles remain: none of the doors on either the carriages or stations appear to open, disabled access is limited due to the wheelchairs being all glued up, and rail enthusiasts are opposing plans to scrap the original boxes the trains came in, which are taking up a large area of Surrey.

 

Services on the new line will be operated by a big, plastic dial in a period signal box in Birmingham and Ministers past a certain age are queuing up to have a go. ‘I let my nephew run the 8.03 service from Manchester to Euston,’ explained the Transport Secretary Philip Hammond. ‘He set a new speed record of 320 miles an hour, and the train only fell off twice. I think we might need to add a bit more folded-up card under that tricky corner at Watford.’

 

‘Ministers were also impressed by our plans for calming local opposition to the route,’ explained Malcolm Dent, Hornby’s head of Planning and Training. ‘Where we’ve been challenged we’ve replaced hundrum, modern locomotives with Thomas the Tank Engine, and villages are now actually campaigning to have the line moved closer to them. That shouldn’t be a problem: the glue hasn’t set yet.’

 

But ASLEF, the train driver’s union, remains criticical, and is demanding the return of neatly-uniformed, well-painted staff. Members were considering strike action, but have instead chosen to hide the big grey rubber needed to clean the tracks.

 

While the dispute remains unresolved, commuters are being offered a replacement Corgi bus service, but heavy congestion is still expected on Scalextric’s new motorway network which runs parallel to the new railway and goes through forests, villages and under a large armchair just outside Cropredy. ‘With hindsight, we should probably have fitted fewer chicanes,’ apologised Hammond. ‘And come to think of it, perhaps putting a lap counter on the M25 might have been a mistake, but that’s the joy of all this, we can always take it apart and lay it out differently for a while until everyone’s had enough and wants to change it again.’

 

Delicate negotiations are continuing between ministers and union leaders, but very quietly in case mum hears and takes their toys away.

 

 

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Tony B]

Enjoy. http://smallwarsjournal.com/blog/2011/07/sfa-in-africa-training-video-1/