To make you laugh

[Enigma]

Ok, in our area buses are yellow.

 

The bus arrives at the bus stop, a man says to the driver; whats yellow and 5 minutes too late?

Driver, what's there and can wait there another 25 minutes? and drives off...

 

Punchline; it actually happened in our village.

Edited December 5, 2009 by Bodge Deep
...bit close to the bone...

[fesm_ndt]

Swine Flu Decontamination Unit!

[Tony B]

Ok, in our area buses are yellow.

 

The bus arries at the busstop, a man says to the driver; whats yellow and 5 minutes too late?

Driver, what's there and can wait another 25 minutes? and drives off...

 

Punchline; it actually happened in our village.

 

Ohhh nice one!!!!:yay::yay::yay::yay:Must use that!!!:cool2:

Edited December 5, 2009 by Bodge Deep
... bit close to the bone...

[ArtistsRifles]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name

implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

 

Son of a bitch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Tony B]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::shake::shake::shocked:

Edited December 10, 2009 by Tony B

[Enigma]

@ Neill, I recognised it way to much.

@ Keito, that just scares the excrements out of me...

[Jack]

Fantastic Neil!!!!!

[AlienFTM]

Two goldfish in a tank.

 

One says, "How do you fire the gun in this thing?"

[woa2]

This happened today.

 

I was walking my Dog Monty today, and I notice a cyclist also taking his dog for a walk, while he was riding a bike. The 2 dogs then decide to meet each other. Next thing I know is there is a big Crash as the cyclist falls off his bike. I walk on in haste, trying not to laugh.

[croc]

 

The Tax system, explained in beer.

 

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100.

 

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

 

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

 

The fifth would pay £1.

 

The sixth would pay £3.

 

The seventh would pay £7.

 

The eighth would pay £12.

 

The ninth would pay £18.

 

The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

 

So, that's what they decided to do.

 

 

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

 

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20." Drinks for the ten now cost just £80.

 

 

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

 

So the first four men were unaffected.

 

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers?

 

How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

 

They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

 

 

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

 

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings)

 

The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% savings).

 

The seventh now pay £5 instead of £7 (28% savings).

 

The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% savings).

 

The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% savings).

 

The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% savings).

 

 

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

 

"I only got a pound out of the £20,"declared the sixth man.

 

He pointed to the tenth man," but he got £10!"

 

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

 

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

 

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

 

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

 

 

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.

 

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

 

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

 

In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

 

Professor of Economics.

 

 

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

 

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

[Keito]

Dear Friends

 

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails

you have forwarded over the year.

 

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap

in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same

reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl

(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th

time. But that will change once I receive the £315,000 that Bill Gates/

Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email

programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to

split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost

relative of a customer who died intestate.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me.

 

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails

to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer

drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the

car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling

up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me

with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,

Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because

a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me

instant death when it bites my bum.

 

I can't even pick up the £50 I found dropped in the car park because it

probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car

to grab my leg.

 

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm

tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,

causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually

happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's

second husband's cousin's beautician.

 

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has

discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always

read their emails while holding the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

Regards,

Your friend

Keito

[Chrisg]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Keito]

A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

 

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.

What's the name and room number of the patient?"

 

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 0K "Norma Findlay , Room 302."

 

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

 

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood test just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

 

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.

God bless you for the good news."

 

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

 

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

[Keito]

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It's important to have a woman you can trust & who would never lie.

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.

 

5. It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other!

[Tony B]

AND: Don't talk in your sleep!!:cool2:

[Grasshopper]

Some silly man things...

[chevpol]

lol

 

Mark

[Enigma]

Scared now...

[Tony B]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after

crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and

starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for

death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon,

I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand

dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with

bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back

bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured

pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert

don' forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a

meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon

tree."

 

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when

suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet

sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying

breath,

 

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a

bacon tree! "

 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

 

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree...

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees a ham bush...."

 

 

 

[ford 369]

ohhh! thats a pig of a joke

[Tony B]

ohhh! thats a pig of a joke

 

I know, but I wasn't keeping that one to myself!:cool2:

[gritineye]

"Maid Marion, please bring me my trusty bow and arrow " said Robin Hood as he lay on his deathbed, "I will fire one last arrow high over the greenwood, and wherever it lands that is the place where I would like to be buried"

 

She placed them in his hands and he shot his very last arrow.

 

The next day, with heavy hearts, his band of not so merry men buried him on top of the wardrobe..

[Tony B]

Dave Alan had a version of that joke, Fortunatley Maid Marion was sitting with her legs apart when the arrow landed. :shocked:

[ArtistsRifles]

An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

 

The American woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

 

The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

 

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

 

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

 

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[ArtistsRifles]

Got this tonight from the Regimental Associations mailing list.....

 

Terrorist Alert Levels

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

 

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

 

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

 

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.