To make you laugh

[Tony B]

OUCH! :shake::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Keito]

Gotta love this Chinese doctor...!!!

 

 

 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

 

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

 

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

 

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

 

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

 

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

 

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

 

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

 

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

 

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

 

 

AND.....

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

CONCLUSION:

 

 

 

Eat and drink what you like.

 

 

Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

[Tony B]

So we are back to 1) Don't eat anyhting 2) Don't drink anything 3) Above all DO NOT breathe the air!

You worry so much about health and lifestyle, you die of a heart attack brought on by stress.

[robin craig]

Little known fact, anything frozen has no calories therefore eat as much ice cream as you want.

 

 

R

[Enigma]

Living is deadly...lets face it you can only die if you live.

Presto, living is deadly...

[ArtistsRifles]

You've heard of "Mission Impossible" - well here is "Pigeon Impossible"!!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA

[Bodge Deep]

Very good...

[chevpol]

You've heard of "Mission Impossible" - well here is "Pigeon Impossible"!!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA

 

 

lol,

 

Mark

[gritineye]

Confucius say, "If you cannot find the book for which you search, you obviously in the ......

[MiketheBike]

"h".....its in the middle of nowhere!

[Tony B]

You've heard of "Mission Impossible" - well here is "Pigeon Impossible"!!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA

 

Now that is funny!:-D

[fesm_ndt]

Vehicle related Laws

 

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

 

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about

[ArtistsRifles]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

 

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

 

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?

 

My wife's.

 

''What happened to her?

 

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

 

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

 

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

 

'Can I borrow the dog?'

 

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[ArtistsRifles]

THE POPE AND THE RABBI

 

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

 

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

 

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

 

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

 

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

 

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

 

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

 

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

 

 

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

 

"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said.

 

 

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

 

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

 

 

"And then what?" asked a woman.

 

 

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[Tony B]

 

In a Bangkok temple:

 

 

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A

 

MAN.

 

 

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

 

 

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

 

 

 

Doctors office, Rome:

 

 

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

 

 

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

 

 

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

 

 

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

 

 

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE

 

MANAGER.

 

 

 

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:

 

 

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

 

 

On a poster at Kencom:

 

 

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP..

 

 

 

 

In a City restaurant:

 

 

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

 

In a cemetery:

 

 

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN

 

GRAVES.

 

 

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

 

 

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS

 

IN BED.

 

 

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

 

 

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

 

 

 

In a Tokyo bar:

 

 

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

 

 

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

 

 

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE

 

CHAMBERMAID.

 

 

 

Hotel, Japan:

 

 

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

 

 

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

 

monastery:

 

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND

 

SOVIET

 

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT

 

THURSDAY.

 

 

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

 

 

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT

 

PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE

 

TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

 

 

 

Hotel, Zurich:

 

 

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE

 

SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS

PUR

POSE.

 

 

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

 

 

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

 

 

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

 

 

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

 

 

 

A laundry in Rome:

 

 

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A

 

GOOD TIME.

 

 

 

[ChasSomT.]

A Ryanair flight into Manchester gets into trouble - Air Traffic Control gets a frantic call:

Help, Help! Easter, Pancake Tuesday, Bonfire night, Halloween, New Years Day, Bank holiday Monday . . .

 

" Calm down Paddy, it's Mayday for heavens sake !

 

With apologies to those from the 'Emerald Isle' No offence meant.

[ArtistsRifles]

The Brothel

 

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

 

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

 

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

 

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

 

The man replied, 'Cleveland.'

 

'Really?' she exclaimed. 'I have family in Cleveland.'

'I know.' the man said.. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. I'm here to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[RGJ/H. Alan]

Thirteen Thirteen Thirteen.....

 

 

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=2f4_1270223237

 

 

 

 

Eddie.

[Gareth Coe]

Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi.

 

 

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

 

 

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

 

 

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday. Although what the daft b*****d wants with an ex box I'll never know.

 

 

The most common surname in China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.

 

 

I got a phone call from British Gas to say my bill was outstanding.

I said, "Thanks!"

 

 

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.

We're a cover band.

 

 

The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.

And then it hit me.

 

 

sorry :blush:

Edited April 11, 2010 by Marmite!!

[Tony B]

An'Honnaury' is a localyy elected Police Oficer in the channel Islands. Just to clear up the point.

 

http://hedleylemaistre.com/

[Snapper]

When did Roy Chubby Brown sign up to HMVF?

[fesm_ndt]

http://www.militaryimages.net/photopost/showphoto.php/photo/28501

[fesm_ndt]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me with one hand while holding a double barrel shotgun in the other and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

 

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Tony B]

Eh, right work these out!

 

and finally ... STELLA Awards Finalists

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

 

Here are the Stellas for this past year:

 

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

 

Start scratching!

 

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

 

Scratch some more...

 

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

 

Double hand scratching after this one..

 

*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

 

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

 

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

 

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

 

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

 

Ok. Here we go!!

 

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

[Marmite!!]

Shame none of them are true tony http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp :nut: