Enigma Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Enjoy. http://smallwarsjournal.com/blog/2011/07/sfa-in-africa-training-video-1/ He's going Ape-excrement. :cool2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 It may remind some around here not to upset CHIMPS! :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enigma Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Before you know it you've got a monkey on your back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Charles Darwin got it right- 'The Descent of man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) Just got this from a friend in the US. I'll bet we can all quote similar happenings. Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' Edited October 1, 2011 by Marmite!! text size Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevpol Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 :rofl::rotfl::rotfl: Brilliant Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosrec Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I was laid in bed the other night when my wife came in out of the bath room. She sat on the edge of the bed and started lovingly to carress and pass her fingers through her hair. "Going to have to shave my bum she said" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosrec Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Went in the pub last night and one of the old regulars had popped his clogs. It was discussed and some one said he had gone to bed and not woken up. Reminded me of something my Dad said to me many years ago "when i go i want to be asleep like my uncle". "Not screeming and shouting like his passengers" . "Or like my other uncle whose last words were"" what bus"" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Went in the pub last night and one of the old regulars had popped his clogs. It was discussed and some one said he had gone to bed and not woken up. Reminded me of something my Dad said to me many years ago "when i go i want to be asleep like my uncle". "Not screeming and shouting like his passengers" . "Or like my other uncle whose last words were"" what bus"" So now I know who to blame!!! :angry Your Let's get ***** and walk in front of buses event on Saturday night was a great succes! More like playing skittles than driving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiketheBike Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 It seems like only the other day we still had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash! Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and definetely no Cash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Blimey! Why the doom and gloom latley? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RattlesnakeBob Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 A fella was talking to his mate and asked .. "did you hear that Dave died the other day?" the other chap replies...."no I didn't know that ! what did he die of?" first fella says. "well I guess smoking killed him..... ................he was crossing the road to buy some fags and got hit by a bus" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiketheBike Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Ok, less doom and gloom, but a few quickies 1. Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around 2. "Incontinence hotline - can you hold please?" 3. I bought myself a new After Shave today that smells of breadcrumbs. The birds love it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond-t-steve Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 A man and his wife are fighting a divorce case in court. The issue is who should get custody of the child.The wife said: Your Honor, I brought this child into this world with all the pain and labor. The child should be in my custody."The Judge then asked to the husband: What do you have to say in your defense?The man think for a while and says: Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a Pepsi vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? The machines or mine? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enigma Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Ok, less doom and gloom, but a few quickies 1. Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around 2. "Incontinence hotline - can you hold please?" 3. I bought myself a new After Shave today that smells of breadcrumbs. The birds love it!! Veni, Vidi, Veni....I came, I saw and I came again... :cool2: Ok, i'll go stand in the corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond-t-steve Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I got stopped by the police last night. They asked where I was between seven and eleven. So I said primary school. I've found this amazing new diet, it's called the Special Brew diet. I've only been on it a week and I've already lost 4 days. Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement."You've got 2020 vision" Paddy's in the bed with his wife one evening when the next door neighbours dog is barking, causing a real nuisance. "I'm going to go down and sort this out for good!" He announces.A few minutes later, Paddy comes back from outside and climbs into the bed, but the dog is still barking."Well, what did you do!?" said the wife."I put it in our garden to see how they like it!" I think I've been watching Jamie Oliver to much. I've started putting olive oil in my pot noodle ... You know your a failure at life when you put more effort into getting your Sim's character a good job, than yourself Got a letter in the post today. it said DO NOT BEND.I thought, 'how the hell am i supposed to pick it up?' When someone tells me 'EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED' i like to punch them in the face and tell them 'Not as easy as it sounds is it?' birthdays are scientifically proven to be good for you, the more you have, the longer you live. Post natal depression is a serious condition. I am 48 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me. I went into the pet shop the other day. I said "Can I buy a goldfish?"The guy said "Do you want an aquarium?" "I don't care what star sign it is" I said. I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,and noticed that everybody was staring at me....Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye..I am now parsley sighted. I'm Immortal. I haven't been proven wrong yet. I was only any good at two subjects at school, English, Geography and Maths. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That's why I don't get out of bed until the kebab shop opens. I watched my dog chase her tail in circles for 10 minutes thinking how easily entertained and stupid she was. Then I realized I just watched my dog chase her tail for 10 minutes...... I'm pretty sure my hair is receding. It's taking me longer and longer to wash my face in the morning. Why is it if one adult has one imaginary friend it's called insanity, but if lots of adults have the same imaginary friend its called religion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 The gym has got a new machine! I just had to try it out. Trouble is after about ten minutes I was feeling sick. And I'd only got as far as the Fruit & nut on the second row! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griff66 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 whats the ideal weight of a mother in law ? including the urn two and a half pounds!:cool2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Vino, vandilo, vomito? :nut: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RattlesnakeBob Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Young married lad says to his Dad "Dad I can't abide my mother in law I simpley hate her guts" His Dad replies "Now come on son...you gotta have a better go at it than that....why don't you buy her a present?...that way she'lll start to think a bit more of you and who knows....you could end up really good friends" So the lad goes off to try his Dads advice and a week or so later his Dad rings him up and asks "How did you get on with my idea son?" The lad is absolutely over the moon and sounds 50 times happier ........ "It worked a treat Dad !...honest !....I should have done it months ago" His dad replies "Yeah !!!?? oh thats fantastic news son...what did you buy her?" The Lad says "I bought her a Jaguar" Dad exclaims... "Christamighty son! I didn't mean you to spend that kind of money on her!" The lad goes on........ "No Dad it was worth every penny..she opened the cage to give it a stroke and it ripped her throat out" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 "You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." A&E 2012 organising comittee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Suslowicz Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 http://www.webuyanycat.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RattlesnakeBob Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 The Sgt in a barracks has to tell one of the lads his Mother has passed away so he lines all the lads up and shouts "step forward all those with a mother.............not so fast Jenkins..." (shamelessly stolen from Spike Milligan ) another classic of Spikes....... whilst on sentry duty alone in a pillbox surrounded by a minefield on the south coast in the opening months of the war there comes a knock on the door ... ..a little old lady is there enquiring had Gunner Milligan perhaps seen her little dog that had gone missing?... .Spike replies "No I haven't and you shouldn't be here my dear ...this is a restricted military area and there's a minefiield all the way around this pillbox.....now follow the path back to the road and I'll ask the lads to keep their eyes open for your missing doggy"........ Later in the long dark lonely night there is the sound of an explosion from the minefield....... Spike concludes the story thus........... ..it could have been done a little more tactfully.........in the morning our Sgt knocked on the old ladys cottage door with a tail , a leg and a bit of a collar wrapped in newspaper and asked... ....."is this your dog madam?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RattlesnakeBob Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 A policeman has to go and tell a woman her husband has been killed in a car accident.... he knocks on the door: "Widow Harris?" he enquires "No ! I'm not a widow!" she replies.... "Wanna bet?" says the policeman. A policeman knocks on the door of a house to tell a husband his wife has been killed in a car accident.....pointing to a photograph of the woman on the mantelpiece the copper asks.. "Is this your wife Sir?".. The chap replies "Yeah thats her" the copper says "...I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a terrible accident Sir" "Yeah I know " says the bloke ......."but she's got a lovely personality" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 I especially agree with the engine hoist. DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, OH SH*#!' SKIL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. S-O-B TOOL : (This is my personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'S o B! ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Hope you found this informative. Hope this clears up any questions you may have had... = Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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