Lardrover Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Now then, you know the rules - the jokes must be MV related..... Got to be a joke about Land-Rovers somewhere, nothing derogatory as people like them. "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou......." . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessie The Jeep Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its bum, And turned its wool to nylon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daz76 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou......." . :rofl::rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowtracdave Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Unashamedly nicked from 100% Biker earlier tonight......... A platoon is marching just north of Fallujah when they come across a badly injured and unconscious local laying in the road .On the opposite side of the road they find a slightly less injured British infantryman , conscious and alert . Whilst he is being given first aid the platoon commander asks the injured soldier what has taken place . The soldier reports that he was moving north along the road when he met a heavily armed insurgent coming in the opposite direction , spotting each other at the same moment they each dived into opposite ditches and took cover . " I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat half witted Jock and that Lord Mandelson is a cross dressing power mad idiot ". " I replied that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid mean spirited lesbian , to which he replied Oh yeah ? Well so does Harriet Harman"......... So there we were standing in the middle of the road shaking hands when the bus hit us............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevpol Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 just heard on Planet Rock........ Whats the difference between a car and a golf ball?........ Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball for 400 yards............. Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodge Deep Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 another planet rocker eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevpol Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 another planet rocker eh? 'fraid so!!!!!!! Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodge Deep Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Not fancied going for the 'rack ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keito Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 I won't say a word Jack ;o) A vicar books into a hotel and says to the clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled". she replies "no sir,its jus regular porn,u sick bugger"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keito Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Bought a Goldfish and the bleeding thing is epileptic However.. if I leave it in the bowl it seems fine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keito Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 A man returns from a trip to Shanghai, and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. -- This is your doctor, says the voice on the phone. We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H. -- G.A.S.H? replies the man. What in the hell is that? -- It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes, explains the doctor. -- Bloody Hell, Doc! screams the man in a panic, What are we going to do? -- Well we're going to put you on a strict diet of pancakes and pizza, says the doctor matter-of-factly. -- Will that cure me? -- Well no, says the doctor, but it's the only food that will fit under the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bearI never saw her little lamb, but loved to see her bear :sweat: to continue the theme mary had a little lamb the doctors were astounded, every where that mary went gynacolagists surrounded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rippo Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Three lads in a lap dancing club are watching a busty blonde gyrating on a pole. The lad from nottingham sticks £20 on her left buttock. Not to be out done the geordie lad sticks £30 on her right buttock. Last but not least the scouse lad takes out his visa card, swipes it down the crack of her bum and takes the £50 cashback..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiketheBike Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have his way with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keito Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 A man owned a small farm in Scotland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.' 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.' 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerry.ice Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Guy goes to a doctors. "What seems to be the problem" The guy drops his trousers.:shocked: "Christ, it`s bright orange" says the doctor "I`ve never seen one like that before!":confused: After a few tests the bemused doctor asks the patient "What do you do?" "I sit round most of the day eating Wotsits and watching porn.....":cool2: I`ll get my coat..................:nono: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevpol Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Not fancied going for the 'rack ? am not worthy, Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andrewroberts.1953 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Mary had a little lamb, she also had a hatchet. And now she's got a sheepskin coat, and pair of gloves to match it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefano Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 A man brings his dog to the vet Vet says to the man "Say Aaaah" "Why?" "Because your dog's dead" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiketheBike Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiketheBike Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amoré. When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray. When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay. When a Japanese knight, Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai. When your sheep go to graze, In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh? When you ace your last tests, Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s! When on Mt. Cook you see, An aborigine, That's a Maori. When you're sat in row Z, and the ball hits your head, That's Zamora. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 A man was having tremedous trouble with his private parts, just couldn't get it down. In desperation he visits the local chemist knowing that is run by an old man. Imagine his suprise when he walks in to see two young nubile woman behind the counter. 'Eh' he asks 'What happned to the old man who used to run the palce?' Oh says one of the girls 'Farther died, we run the palce now, but don't worry we are both fully qualified' Decideing he is desperate the man explains his problem drops his keks and says 'What can you give me for this?' 'Excuse me ' says the girl 'I need to confer with my sister' They both go of in a huddle The girl turns and says' Well, the best we can offer is £500, half share in the buissnes and we will give you sunday night off'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. You drive a bus round Orpington as well then? :cool2: Driver how longs the next bus? Thirty foot same as this one. Driver this bus is late! Well, wait for the next one it might be on time! Excuse me Sir ( Iwas feeling polite) That pass is out of date. 'What the *** wrong with it?' 'Its dated 30th' 'So ****what it 'aint the 30th yet' 'No, but that one is dated 30th of February' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lardrover Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic for me and is having a lasting impact. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how it works: Two gorgeous young ladies come over to your car as you are loading the shopping into the boot and start wiping your windshield with a rag, their breasts are almost falling out of their clothes. It was impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No, but could you please take us down to McDonalds?' If you agree, they get into the back seat. When this happened to me, on the way to McDonalds they started undressing. Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over me, while the other one stole my wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, on October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, then 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and then the same thing started all over again in November. It happened three times last Monday and it is quite likely to occur again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant and watch out for this scam. Aldi has wallets on sale for £2.50 each. I found cheaper ones at the Pound Shop and bought out all their supplies. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost eight pounds in weight just running back and forth from the Poundshop to the Supermarket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I felt very sorry for the blind skunk. Poor thing fell head ove heels in love with a fart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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