To make you laugh

[snowtracdave]

Is the Mexican joke not proscribed under the terms of the Geneva Convention ?

[Tony B]

Is the Mexican joke not proscribed under the terms of the Geneva Convention ?

 

:cool2::cool2::cool2:

 

A US, French, German and British NCO were sitting in the bar, when in burst the Devil! The French NCO ran screaming, the US NCO dived over the bar, the German NCO sat rigid, the British NCO just sat there with his beer. The Devil rampaged round screaming breathing fire smashing the place up then disappeared. The NCO's reapperead congratulating the British NCO on his courage. The British guy just shrugged 'Na mate! I'm used to it, been married to his sister for the last ten years'.

[radiomike7]

Is the Mexican joke not proscribed under the terms of the Geneva Convention ?

 

I think you will find that joke pre-dates the Geneva convention...

[radiomike7]

Chap goes round to see his neighbour who constantly borrows his Vauxhall car without permission. Can't see the problem his neighbour replies, any Firenza yours are Firenza mine.

[Tony B]

The joke in that is you WANT to borrow a Vauxhall? :shocked: Bloke goes into a scrapyard, says 'have you got a windscren wiper for a Skoda?' The other blokes purses his lips and replies, 'Yeah OK mate, sems like a fair exchange.'

[woa2]

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

 

 

Reminds me of a wartime joke. I beleive it originated in France in 1944.

 

When the RAF bomb, the Germans duck. When the Germans bomb, the Allies duck. When the Americans bomb, Everyone ducks.

[Tony B]

Paddy Ashdown was asked about the current situation in Afgahnstan latley on the Radio 4 Today. He came out with a beauty 'The English think of it as their problem, the French as their's the Germans worry about their bit, and the American's do it from 15,000 feet'.

[fesm_ndt]

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

 

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

 

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

 

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

 

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

 

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

 

The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing."

[Tony B]

That's the good thing about sick jokes, you can bring them up anywhere!

[AlienFTM]

Late at night. Bloke climbs the stairs on the Routmaster and as he gets near the top, he sees the conductor.

 

"'Scuse me mate, is it okay if I bring me curry up here?"

 

"Go ahead."

 

"BLEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH."

[Chrisg]

Thats sick :rofl::rofl:

[rosie]

Modern day version of the Lords Prayer :-D

 

Our X-box, who art in lounges

Halo be thy game, thy Kindle come thy wi-fi will run on Earth as it does in Heaven

Give us this day our daily blog and forgive us our Blackberrys,

as we forgive those who twitter against us

lead us not into areas of bad reception but deliver us our e-mail.

For thine is the harddrive, the dongle and the memory stick

for ever and ever

Amen

[Tony B]

Late at night. Bloke climbs the stairs on the Routmaster and as he gets near the top, he sees the conductor.

 

"'Scuse me mate, is it okay if I bring me curry up here?"

 

"Go ahead."

 

"BLEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH."

OK guys, I'm sorry! :-X

[fesm_ndt]

MEDIA RELEASE: Army Sergeant Saves The Life of an Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap, Cambridge, May 17, 2009 [sEC=UNCLASSIFIED]

 

An Army Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Captain began to slip from the saddle.

 

He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

 

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

 

Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

 

Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

 

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune an Army Medic shopping at Tesco saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[chevpol]

MEDIA RELEASE: Army Sergeant Saves The Life of an Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap, Cambridge, May 17, 2009 [sEC=UNCLASSIFIED]

 

An Army Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Captain began to slip from the saddle.

 

He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

 

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

 

Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

 

Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

 

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune an Army Medic shopping at Tesco saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ATTACH]21142[/ATTACH]

 

you naughty man you :rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

Mark

[Tony B]

Nice one! :tup::

[Chrisg]

MEDIA RELEASE: Army Sergeant Saves The Life of an Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap, Cambridge, May 17, 2009 [sEC=UNCLASSIFIED]

 

An Army Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Captain began to slip from the saddle.

 

He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

 

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

 

Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

 

Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

 

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune an Army Medic shopping at Tesco saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

 

 

 

 

 

:tup:::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[ace1]

:wow:Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

[Enigma]

Scared now...:-X

[Keito]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

 

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

 

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

 

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[RGJ/H. Alan]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily

accented voice said. 'This is

Paddy down at the Harp Pub in

County Clare,Ireland.

I am ringing to inform you that we are officially

declaring war on you! We

voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

 

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied,

'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a

moment's calculation, 'there is

myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and

the entire darts team

from the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy,

that I have 100,000 men in

my army waiting to move on my command.'

 

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry

equipment!'

 

'And what equipment would that be

Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer,

and Murphy's farm tractor.

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you,

Paddy, that I have 6,000

tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have

increased my army to

150,000 since we last spoke.'

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy.

'I'll have to get back to you.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!

We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We have modified Jackie

McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in

the cockpit, and four boys

from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as

well!'

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then

cleared his throat. 'I must

tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter

planes. My military

bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air

missile sites. And since we

last spoke, I have increased my army to

200,000!'

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says

Paddy, 'I will have to ring you

back.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

'Top o' the mornin', Mr.

Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the

war.'

 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,'

says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden

change of heart?'

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a

long chat over a few pints of Guinness

and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no

feckin' way we can feed

200,000 prisoners!

[Tony B]

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Texas Beer Joint Sues a Church

 

In a small Texas town, ( Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on anew building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers..

 

Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility

or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.

 

At the hearing he commented,"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the

power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

 

 

 

 

[Enigma]

These last 3 made me laugh, well done guys.

[ArtistsRifles]

Do Dogs got to Heaven?

 

The originals for this were sent to me as a set of photos and rather than go through the rigmarole of downloading and then uploading them here I have just transcribed the text. The "conversation" took place between two churches on opposite sides of the street in a US town - The "Our lady of Martys" Catholic church and the Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church - on the sign boards outside each building and went like this:

 

Catholic Church: "All dogs go to Heaven"

 

Presbyterian Church: "Only humans go to heaven - read the bible"

 

Catholic Church: "God loves all his creations - dogs included"

 

Presbyterian Church: "Dog's don't have souls - this is not open for debate"

 

Catholic Church: "Catholic dogs go to heaven - Presbyterian dogs can talk to their pastor"

 

Presbyterian Church: "Converting to Catholicism does not magically grant your dog a soul"

 

Catholic Church: "Free dog souls with conversion"

 

Presbyterian Church: "Dogs are animals. There aren't any rocks in heaven either"

 

Catholic Church: "All rocks go to Heaven"

 

Only in America!!!! :-) :-) :-)

[ArtistsRifles]

Retirement Bonus

 

The Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer or NCO to choose what those two points would be.

 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up stretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

 

The third one was a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'

 

It was suggested by the woman from the MOD that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and MOD, ever careful with the Public Purse, decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The MO arrived and instructed the Sarnt Major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarnt Major's todger and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your

testicles?'

 

The Sergeant Major replied, 'Basra'.