BORAT

[hardyferret]

OK Clive gloves off when do you start the articles on this pillar of european reporting

 

Jagshemash confused mekon lookalike

[fv1609]

Jagshemash (you old Pepsi can :wink: )

 

I have just come in it is so wet I have been out shooting dogs, but my wife is still outside gaining some more plough experience. But unlike UK we are still allowed to do smacking with dogs and hunting with children.

 

It is very difficult to get, how you say EMURs here. I have to buy two gallons of insecticide to give to the party secretary before he will let me see his EMUR.

 

But it is difficult here, I maybe have brought shame on my family as it is customary to offer three gallons of insecticide. So he will take me off my job off national prestige which is to make the worlds largest man made cardboard box. Then we be no1 and beat the US and A.

 

But we still have a woman who has world record for amount of hairs and her husband is very proud as she has a certificate of verification of the number of hairs from the World Health Organisation. So they are having their favorite dog barbecue and they have invited for me to bring a wive. But both of mine are in the cage tomorrow, but maybe I can take someone else's dog and wive.

 

But I must go back to my film which is coming out very big boy soon :roll:

 

See me http://www.boratonline.co.uk/

 

Jagshemash

[Rlangham]

Ahh good ole' Borat Good to see the Kazahkstans haven't totally gotten rid of you yet.

[hardyferret]

Yet again,

Borat the man for any occasion with the perfect word.......................

 

Are you going to this year's Purbeck rally Clive??

 

regards Jerry

[fv1609]

Jagshemash my old comrade Jerry.

Yes it was you my old fiend at Purbeck Dog Show I was made introduced to you by my old fiend, party member and comrade Cliv. He say we have party time again in your tent with no camel. I think your wive like how you say "Black beer & raison". So I think he is looking with much forwardness to enjoying the company of your dog and you wive and am expecting you will also enjoying them there as well.

 

The Cliv will be riding his pig there but he worry that the retard boys do bad things with his pig. But I say to him in England they do bad things with their ferrets and pull them off by the turrets. Please you not tell Cliv you my old comrade Jerry not do bad thing like that.

 

How many ferret is it to pull a plough in case I get one or two to taking home for my no2 wive. She is taking like her heavy plough licence, but I must give the testing committee some vodka and a lot of insecticide. Or is it the other way around? But once you have a glass of our insecticide then it no matter which you drink. I thinking very much the black beer and raison is like our insecticide.

 

Anyway I go now I have a rat in the oven as you say. And we have democracy and pepsicolas here now like in US and A. The local pary committee is having a debate to raise the age of consent to 85, so I am waiting for much of fun when I am older.

 

Jagshemash my good fiend and I hope your satchel is more comfortable in the cooler weather.

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash to my fans in England of U and K.

 

I have come say big Hello. I like very much this site from my friend Jock with his JMC. I am laughing many times as when I send message to Cliv in his Corner, Jock has moved me here. Cliv in his corner is very serious but here it is fun time and laughing place. But I am having more as you say "Hits" than Cliv in his Corner who is poking a pig! What a strange man he must be to do bad things like that.

 

We have pig here, but no poking is allowed since the reforms without a licence from the party secretary. On glorious liberation anniversary it is allowed without licence to do before football match and dog roast. Here I am being very nice with the pig before we drive on to start the football match.

We always win as the other team from the bad person prison are not allowed to play in a car or pig only wearing swimming trunks which do not fit. They are too big as they made in one size for the ladies formation plough team.

 

Now I must go, I am looking for a new wive who will come home with me and help with ploughing and demolition. She must look nice in red dress I buy her, I buy her new table tennis bat, television remote control and yellow plastic washing up bowl which I have to buy on the black market. But she must not tell my first wive about the the bowl as yellow is her favorite colour as well which is why she will not wear red dress.

 

My fiend Jerry I wish very much you show me your air raid shelter, maybe you will bring it to, how you say Purbeck Rally this year. I think very much, silly man but good fiend, Cliv, that is if he is not feeding his EMURs.

 

Like as I say before I only come back again as I have so many of the "Hits" I know you like me more twice than the Cliv.

 

Goodbye & Chenque,

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash to all my freind in Blightie, especially big(!) fans Jock, Jerry, Rickjard & funny old fellow Cliv with his EMUR.

 

This is what I had been doing & up to this week over here. We have Land Rovers here as well also now that we are nearly democracy. I say democracy because next year we have like a general election which make me very proud. But all this is in geopardy as some retard boys from the institution have broken to the party office & stolen the election results. So we will not know who is won, even next year

 

My brother Karl he is at the institution as he is a little retired as well, but only a bit like you say a picnic short of two sandwhiches. He is nice man & now has job collecting from street dogs which he grow on the rhubarb, and it is very tasty.

 

Sometime Karl make cooking of ratatooly, he joke a bit & call it ratabarby. It is why because over here there is some rationing still & we cannot get tooly even on the black market. But Karl can get nice rat very cheap & cook it with his rhubarbs. We all think very lip tasty but is a bit burpy & much worse later on :oops:

 

Anyway I dingeress here is picture of me with Karl. We are only people with Land Rover in village but when I bought it with a gallon of insecticide & a night with my wive (but only allowed to use her television remote control, so was not rude) They tell me that it need some extra like 3 or 4 wheels to make it go & maybe how you say an engine. It is here we drive around the arena before the weekly donkey stoning.

 

 

We are proud family to drive the Land Rover round the arena, but it very slow & heavy. So here we rest during 10 minute silence in honour of our factory leader who died of rhubarb poisoning or maybe it from rat as well.

 

I hope I have spoken OK as it make very nervous speaking to many people & each time I get no solid but like brown water which is not nice for me so I always have canvas bucket at the handy. I think you have same trouble in U and K with always carrying a bucket just in case.

 

I go now & find my bucket from my wive who is using it to make special sausage which is very nice. Once a members of your parliament of commons tell me in private making legislation is like making sausages. It is best you not see either being maked but finished result is very good. This is maybe you have too many funny laws in your country that are are designed to generally make life more difficult for everybody which cost many taxes & all go funny if you do not keep them in the fridge.

 

Goodbye & Chenque,

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

We are very proud now you hear it on BBC News that we are fourth largest makers of oil, so maybe we can have more respect than laugh! We like to laugh but not at president or government as it is crime offence (yes really it is). But I think you will have the same thing soon, when they take away your old army lorries & take away your licence if you smack dog if he is smoking in restaurant.

 

We are also number fourth in world with size of goat & beat you in U and K which is only 17th biggest goat in world. You must feel shame as your goat is very tiny! We soon be number one! There is man who live in shed in my garden who make big goat, he is stretching a bit every day. He dooes gentle as it can make the feathers fall off & embarrass the goat who laugh at the man.

 

My brother Karl, has biggest sheep in world but only when he make it wear the high heels my sister uses when she is not on the games. But in U and K you are better with sheeps, you have big one I think called Jessie the Sheep?

 

You lucky you have Goat Monthly but not even here allowed even if my sister bribe the customs mens. Although bribe is still needed for your nature magazines, why you not have colour pictures and ladies not smile? Maybe that she think she is cold in English weathers or she know she is for education not as for fun times. We have fun times and hard time in our lifes here but we have big senses of humours like English when they go in underground tubes with “blits” & have singsong with Billy Cotton. Yes Wakey Wakey very funny programe, we watch it many time on state television. It is same programme each time but we always laugh as we know when the funny bit is coming. A bit like they tell me England always watching Daddies Army but they all dead now, so not really funny any more! And always watch Faultery Tower with Manwell do silly walk like Hilter, although they only make two episode. But they not dead so still funny, except the major he dead now.

 

We like very much reading for your schoolboy prankster yes Billy Bunter, he very funny and make me damp. Now I know why all English are fat eating so many cake, and have what we call English teeths that are so bad. But is better than teeth here which most of time is missing, that I think is maybe from dioxin plant built with bribes in school playgrounds. And why you all wear those big check trouser it make him look like my wive! But she is not schoolboy as here women are not allowed to learn real school only ploughing & cooking or if she pretty like my sister then learn other things to be nice to party officials & bussinesssmens. But now we have some womans who get into politic for good cause like learn hairdressings fashions not just the nice looking men if you understand.

 

Not just books we have from the wests but new films with talking like very funny man Norman Wisdom he make me always very laugh all nights. He is little man fighting the state like you say is a folking hero to us little men here. He is littleman under the dog as you say but stand up & laugh & sometime sing a song which make my mother cry. He stand up to party official like Mr Grimsdale who nearly large like Billy Bunters & my wive.

 

We also like very much Archie Andrew. But there are more people making laughters than funny jokes. So maybe the censor move some that make fun of the revolution or about rude mens. Or because Archie has his hand in Brough making him speeches, but why is not banned for doing that? Or is he at publics schools like Billy Bunter & it all ok that sort of thing & with members of houses of commons. Is ok maybe unless pankyhanky(?) found out by The News of the Peoples paper which stand up for high morals and bring shame on bad men.

 

We have homemade Archie Andrew fun show here, hope you like. But he hurt me a bit if he squeeze wrong thing!

 

 

My wive say I talk too much to friends & goat but not interest in her as she boring when she tell me off for make brown water. But I use goat to clean it up but still she complain!

 

Bye bye & Chenque,

Borat

[hardyferret]

Good my friend hello,

 

We are now much of the happy, as the big pepsi capitalist, has let us have field for goat to keep wife.

She is happy that you also find wise Norman, makes the funny for you as he does for us. She says you please try also William Kenneth,as he turns her to insecticide, but not goat.

We are having much of the trouble our leading pepsi capitalists as they lose their men when they forget where there money has come from.

My wife say's she hopes I have money to forget, so she can lose me for more goat. I say I report her to farm testing man and he will test her.

She say's when he come hope soon.

So my friend all is happy cola

 

Jagshemash

jermon

 

ps we now have tractor

[hardyferret]

Good my friend hello,

 

We are now much of the happy, as the big pepsi capitalist, has let us have field for goat to keep wife.

She is happy that you also find wise Norman, makes the funny for you as he does for us. She says you please try also William Kenneth,as he turns her to insecticide, but not goat.

We are having much of the trouble our leading pepsi capitalists as they lose their men when they forget where there money has come from.

My wife say's she hopes I have money to forget, so she can lose me for more goat. I say I report her to farm testing man and he will test her.

She say's when he come hope soon.

So my friend all is happy cola

 

Jagshemash

jermon

 

ps we now have tractor

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

It is good very much to be hear from you. I have many thanks for you dear friend as you invite me to write here to Jocks site. I know it at time get very boring with large head the Cliv who go on about his boring EMURs, nobody want that Cliv! I have more hits than you my poor fellow. Cliv why you not get rid of EMUR & buy nice looking goat, they are very nice over here?

 

 

Colour is not very good as we live near chemical plant but government say is built very cheap but as is very safe like where Mr Simpson work in US and A. So if the government say something I belief them although still a bit strict they are good men like you have in Members of Commons who not corrupt lending money & gifts.

 

One of those is goat, but not sure. (I mean in the picture not I mean in your Houses of Commons, that would be very funny) Goat & sheep not mind either, all very good friends I think, we all watch TV together. But only man is allowed TV remote control, there is only one channel from state TV. It sign of weak man to give remote control to goat or wive, I know I say only one channel but is like symbol of being a man. I think probably although it is Queen who is king of your country it is the Duck of Edinburgh who has the TV remote control as he is the real man.

 

I forget yes to mention so many of English funnymens, you all a bit funny (I mean ha-ha not peculiar, but some of you are bit of the both I think). Yes William Kenneths, read his book & all about his Barclays Bank! He so funny when he say “Oooh shut that door!” how people think of clever lines like that? I also like he do dress up as vicar with funny teeth & say “Ooh you are awful” then push them over.

 

I not understand all you say as I think your English speak is not clear. I am very lucy as I went to special English class for TV broadcaster at the Ministry of English Learn, that was called the Ministry of New Labour. Always learning something new & funny which copy from you. Cliv tell me soon in Englands there will be tax & licence for dungheaps. Yes really, not Borat fantasy:

 

http://www.countrydoctor.co.uk/politics/news/Rural%20News%20-%20Horse%20manure%20tax.htm

 

Where you get these silly ideas? Soon nobody able to have even funny vicars teeth. No more pictures in paper any more queing for NHS dentist, it has been cured by you government. Dentist only allowed to have queue on phone, not allowed to see people if they queue up, so no picture any more in paper to make government look bad.. That very clever, but you copy idea from us! Soon they will take away all the green lorries, no I only joke not even foolish government do that.

 

Soon mans with cameras come from Two Jags department to take pictures of everything in your house without asking you. Why you let them do that? I hope they not see my house as you see in front we make small house for Karl.

 

 

I am glad testing man come, have he test you all for proper working. He not come yet as as we all are working normally. But I hope is well with your horse, your dog, your goat, your rat, your small frog and your wive.

 

But why you need a tractor, your wive not ill?

 

Bye bye

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

I have thing for sale, but I get the Cliv to write me in a slick advertspeak which make big difference for selling or not, I think.

 

For sale, probably one of a few left in world. Best example around. Rare opportunity to own. Must be unique, choice of two. Hardly used but in original packing & complete with illustrated manual, not to be confused with later copies. In running order a delight to use, only needs a little bit of tidying to be show winner ready for next season. Nice runner, very complete & be the envy of your friends. Straight honest example. Good project must be the cheapest around. Full service history with only genuine parts. Plus loads of spares, not to be confused with repro items. Genuine reason for sale. All paperwork in place. Complete with full CES (although some parts missing due to time waster) Reluctant sale. Re-advertised due to time waster. Only for sale to buyers in Kazakhstan. Once seen, you will have to buy. Prospective buyers will be required to pay an inspection fee refundable only upon purchase. No photo collectors. No tyre kickers. No time wasters. No canvassers. P.O.A. or sensible offers please or possibly exchange for something more interesting, W.H.Y.? GSOH essential for right purchaser. Non smoker enjoys walks in countryside, going to theatre, table tennis, travelling abroard & cosy nights in by fireside. Who want to buy my first wive, please?

[79x100]

Hope it not garaged as I will only vehiccle Out, standing init's field.

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

Here is army truck made by English I buy on e-bay from man called Mr A.Daley. He nice man with gift of gob, he sell me Pig truck that nearly complete. He say very nice transaction A+++ and is giving me nice times feedback, but I am not that sort of man type he mistake I think! But I like Freddy Mercury and his village peoples. The truck he say is what is the underneaths of pigs. He say me, Borat all pigs look like that with no body. (can I say the word) “body” or is that rude word? I don’t want to make faux par or any noises from gas like that. Although my wive makes bubbles & squeeks, yes she doos! I like make bubbles in bath, very funny English joke but in U & K women can buy bubbles already put in bottles! You people strange sometimes I think. But we now allow womens to travel on the inside of bus. She can sit down if there are no mens or dogs who want to use seat.

 

 

So how can I make new body? I can measure the width but what about the hidth? I must ask Cliv but he get funny- peculiar at time & ask “what is all these questions its worse than the Spanish armada” which I no understand. What has man with tights & baggy pant things got to do with it. I think this man also steal thing from US & A like potato which he try to smoke, but never catch on. It was very silly idea of course you need to dry the potato very first before you smoke it! Stupid boy Pike – do I get that right? People always think that very funny, but I suppose that is catchy phrase like “ooh shut that door” as members of commons say I think a lot.

 

Maybe it is truck for pig but, I have small puncture in tyre, well you can see square hole in tyre.

 

 

And tyre bladder is burst, where can I get new bladder for tyre? Must be big I think maybe from old goat or mother in law, (is nearly same thing?). But I not sure if she is dead yet, but maybe as she smell always a bit funny. We have picture of mother in law on the mantlepiece to stop childrens going near fire. Is good idea, yes?

 

When I ask Mr A. Daley, he say nit wit which mean very rude thing here. It bad luck to say as is to do with dog’s hairs near his tails, it surprise me very much it is allowed to say. Why Mary Whitehouse allow you to say such a things? Shall I report bad person to Malcolm Muggeridge or Mr Prescott as he seem nice man who know what he is doing, always have a smile for everyone & have many sensible thing to pass in parliament. Like our President here is very nice fellow old chap as you say in the publics schools, which are not public really I think?

 

I go now Karl is make me dogerat pie, which is silly name as mainly rat & only little bit of dog. As otherwise too greasy and makes gases, which not very nice as noises like old soviet cultivator and hurt my satchel.

 

Bye bye

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

My wive has made me humiliate, she take me shopping! My head is down in shame for me to be seen in groceries shed, my freinds laugh to me & say I must be weak & not a real man & perhaps Borat is importent. And even I am a la la man, as you say, yes? This is most not right to say as only once have I been in groceries shed before & that was on wedding day to buy my new wive a plastic washing up bowel. These was very much money to get a plastic one. The state issue ones are metal, which rust as the lead paint wear off & give my wive headache. But a wive with headache is like a GMC with no bucket, I think you say in U & K, yes? Or a goat with no saddle, perhaps?

 

But what is it she buy? To be nice to me she buy me goat satchel and some sheeps eggs. This make me feel strong again and man in my house. I also beat my wive, not like you think, but I beat her with table tennis. We only one table tennis bat, (as they are still rationed) & she have none, so I always win, well mostly of the time I do! She sometimes hit the ball with bits of her body which is a bit wide in places, maybe all over?

 

I am very excite I soon to be a millionaire, I think. I have chosed by nice email from a man in Africa who has had all of his parents die with millions of dollars from a cancelled U S & A contract. It is sad story that make moist in the eyes & my nostrile runny. So I have give the man about my bank detail and he will give me lots & lots of dollars to help him give away the money. It really make me proud to find the world is not full of lyers & cheats, but want be nice & give money to everybody. Dooes my friends in U & K want to send me detail of theirs bank accounts so I can give moneys to you my friends as well? But not yet any money come here, perhap is lost in post & he only put 4th class stamp. But that is 4th class stamp here like you have the same in U & K but called 1st class, silly name I think.

 

If you do tell me I will let you have special herbal remedy. I also buy lots of this on the email, it seem very cheap but I am not sure what it remedy for. The goat say is it to make my bucket hang proud from my GMC. But I don’t have one of each. GMC is banned as not Soviet lorrys & buckets are only allowed two per house unless you have more than two wifes who make waters too much.

 

Bye bye

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

My friends in U&K, I am very excite I think I maybe come to visit your peoples at Pubeck Rally, which is funny name for place, yes? Dorset have other places with even rude names I think, how censor let you do that? I hope come meet with the Cliv and his pig, maybe I also bring some animal but small to fit in luggage like our best looking goat. And maybe turn a few heads for the Dorset boys.

 

 

Is best looking goat, yes? He have his horn worn down a bit, but still know how to have a good time. Sorry grass now funny colour from mobile phone mast in corner of field. But is ok, government here tell us truth that it is all safe & minister allow his son to eat hamburger, which not actually made of ham.

 

I hope meet Sue, Jerry, Jock, Jessie the sheep, Ron 95 & older brother Ron 98. I maybe also meet Deaf Stan, who work for your defence standards. Karl like to meet him very much. Karl must travel with the womens who are not pretty on outside of bus, so he maybe a bit cold when he come. I like visit U&K and make me proud to be sort of ambassador, it make the hairs in my nostril stand firm when I think of coming there. Cliv say that rally give prize for best nostril hair & matching moustache. Maybe I win or maybe my wive win the prize! What is prize? Is it gallon of insecticide to spray my wive to stop her itching? Or is prize, a canvas bucket that can be dangle from behind?

 

I hope Jerry bring his air raid shelter and I make copy one to take home to keep rude boys out from Karls shed. Also Jerry do you bring tent again? They say Borat is like camels nose in tent. Once you invite nose of camel into tent it impossible to stop rest of camel coming in!

 

Cliv tell me there is big tent for beering & entertainment, what that to be? Dog shoot or pinning the donkey tail on the vicar like at village fete in Midsomer Murders? But what do village people think of all this murder, but village people have cop & red indian to stop murders maybe & help Bergerac. Yes we do have television here, only one channel which show not just figures for tractor production but also film from decadent west to show us that west is not all greener on the other side.

 

Cliv say he try do entry for me (can he say that?) but he fill in form to Sue. Difficult for me as we only have coupon for one crayon each month & Karl mistake crayon for medecine of the other end, I think.

 

Bye bye

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

Some people say good looking goat is not full goat, is not true. I have look underneath to check. He get embarrased & turn red as he think I am bad man!

 

 

But I am not, why should I? I have wive who look nicer than goat, well sometimes. I know it not like your Goat GS Mk 1, but it is more like the Goat (Airportable) Mk 2A, was specially bred for Spastinez forces, as easily carried in helicopter. When soldiers go they leave the goats behind. They very popular, many families have one to do many jobs around the house & for carrying shopping from the groceries collective. Some familes paint them with stripes, to make them go faster. But I don’t know if that really work or not.

 

Is like that (boring) Cliv tell me there in his books lists of special animals:

Mule, GS

Mule, Royal Artillery

Mule, Sapper & Miner & Class I Equipment

Mule, Class II Equipment

Mule, Army transport draught & 1st class

Mule, Army transport, 2nd class

 

Yes is true Cliv tell me is in 1933 book, you army have all these special mules. So what is wrong with a few different type of goat? So please no picking nits on my nice goat, he get very upset & stop laying me eggs for breakfast.

 

Yes he doos that often, we live near the nuclear factory that is only for making energy, not guns & sometimes it rain also make brown water in the village water tank. But government is telling true that it is OK & give us many jobs like Homer (can I say that word?) Simpson. Doooh! That really funny, where he think of making that word?

 

But it difficult to have bath if only brown water & my wive say I have do bad things in water! Is not true! It come from the rain at nuclear factory. But my wive say she like to float in bath, but I say to her she is more like “beached”, is that right word? Or maybe it is wrong word. Now she not talk or do anything else with me & I am in dogs house, is that what you say?

 

I think you have national holiday, we too! Here it is also national holiday, it anniversary of man who first invented cardboard box. Yes we dooed it here before rest of world. U&K history book say first cardboard box made in England in 1817. Is not true we make first cardboard box in 1227 by pheasant who live in street near here and Genghis Khan was so surprised he fell in box which why he is died. Why you in West always try to re-write history?

 

Bye bye, I go now & try write our song for sailors to sing for Eurovision.

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

It is very happy time for you in U & K with happy birthday for you & queen. We too have happy time in village here as with queen who is nearly old as well, but he lie about his age I think, maybe a bit older? We have nice time with our own village people, but no cowboy or cop here! The cowboy are not like very much, this because cows are not very many & they not like men chasing.

 

Celebration here was for lunching of a new trouser drying machine. It make village all very proud to be as one in village and have warm trouser together. This special machine we buy on ebay from man in India, man say it part of British Empire machines that give world leader ship with trouser of strong resolve. I think like Mrs Thatch she has strong resolve trouser?

 

 

Cliv (boring man ha ha) say in Vocabulary of Army Ordnance Stores machine is KE/ 42, Apparatus, Warming, Trouser No.1 Mk 1. Was first one made & we now only one left! Soon we make it all work & soon have tourist visit to bring dollars to buy pepsis & pretty girls. We thought we have pretty girls come to see but they not turn up called Anna Fa-Laxis & Wendy Boatcumin. I think people try to make mock off me, which not very nice. So I try be nice to my wive instead. I also buy on ebay special shed for to go in when she has bad waters & gasses. Even the goat is pleased she now has her own shed, so goat have more friends round when he want for coffee mornings.

 

 

Is nice yes? you like one for your wive as well, it also stop some noises coming out! I give away her little secret!

 

Bye bye

 

Borat

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

May 4th be with you! Is Star War joke from Borat! Yes I have the senses of humours.

 

Although it is sometime difficult for me as my satchel is heavy, but my village people much salute of my indefatiguability. At time I feel of many gasses that make me difficult to walk. But I think is caused by English cooking I learn from my new freinds in U & K they Norman Keep, G.Emsee, Millie Tant, Sarah Sen, Sally Mander, ‘Jeepy’ Emgee & poor old Deaf Stanley.

 

They are always pulling my legs to see if I have bells, is silly English game, like going shopping on a holiday? Or putting up shelfs for your wive? Real man like Borat do nots have to do shelf putting as part of display. I take no herbal remedy is just me but make me tyred sometime. So my freinds buy me special trailer to go round for visiting, then I not too tyred & able to put up lots of shelfs for the wifes.

 

Is next door village also make me special conveyance that is trailer with no wheels. Is bumpy ride for my satchel! But I go visiting for coffee mornings, we swap pictures of tractors & put up lot of shelfs without getting too tyred.

 

 

Is really meant to be donkey pull but is of a sad misfortune that engine is rear wheel drive & not too nice as exhaust is near of me. So is okay if man walk backwards, but when we get donkey to walk backward has dribble & spit & like dog breath over my hair. Is remind me of at home!

 

And this remind me, I must go & lick my spittle, as you say in horses of commons.

 

Bye bye

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

Cliv he arrive me this today. I not really understand he mean to say, but Cliv he never of much smile poor chap, but he big smile today, (not because it Saturday night last nighttime) but he tell me he make electric ignition to his pigy-wiggy & it run faster. I am no surprise if I ignition my pigy-wiggy she run very fast, that why she still not a mother! Although she is very good looking, well that what goat tell me. Maybe she afraid it make a big explode if she make a gas & be danger for her.

 

 

Yes I know is not pig but she very shy & think I maybe like the bad mens from other village. This is favourite dogs, no is not dog shoot. We have most time respect for dog, they just very tyred from pulling their ploughs. So we are very give human treatment to animal that we respect for working in our field. This is like I have respect for most of time of my wive.

 

Anyway, Cliv say he have shame on his family if he make black gas from his end pipe at the pig show. But now he have this electric thing on he make no black gas, his gas only unvisible or maybe a little bit of grey. The grey is not too much, like the grey in his hairs of his nostrile, now he become in the middle ages of his life, so what dooes he expect? I mean body is like truck everything go rusty & fall off if not used properly everyday.

 

I go away now I have hurry to buy special limited edition of world cup screwdrivers in patriotic presentation box. Is like you buy one for your wive whilst she open crisps & lager for man doing hard at work looking at TV (I mean television not other think that is rudey) Yes is not me making jokey is here: http://www.protecdirect.co.uk/List.asp?n=World+Cup+Products&i=526

 

So I hope it happy time English football ventilators. I am only small ventilator as we have to take it to have a turn to borrow the government ball to lend to our village. So our village people only get it about once a month.

 

Good bye bye. Chenque

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

Cliv tell me I sometime making silly English mistake in my speak. To say hurting thing, make me feel like a moron, but is no longer allowed to eat them! Now we want join EU, for you to give us money, it is human writes everywear now.

 

Instead I will have rat sandwhich is like hot dog you eat in U&K but made with rat instead of dog. It is a bit cheaper as we are a poor people over here, but is nice treat now & then as long as not too much garlic source. My wive not cuddlies & things with me with dog breath & not allowed to put up a kitchen shelf for her! Bad thing is if eat too many of these type of sandwhich give pain in my stomage & make me feel like pregnant with air of old eggs. Which is strangeness as there is no egg in sandwhich. But sometime give egg sandwhich to goat for protection. We dooes this to make safe goat if bad men from next village come here or DEFRA man try snoops at us too much.

 

But I maybe have fish for Sunday lunch is special day at resevoir is easy today to catch fish. Sometime float if you wait by the stream from chemical factory, but not all things that float in water are fish! Even fish look very depressed as if he is gutted.

 

Dooes you think that if I have chicken box, that chicken will go in it. Haha I make senses of humours. We have big box factories here, we have more boxes for each persons than in US&A. We have largest manmade cardboard box in world. Today I come reporting from box rally in the big town. We have freind who was a WW2 cardboard box that he restore, it made to carry margarine at first but now carry GMC parts. This look to me very silly he think that peoples come to box rally dooes not read English & the general pubic will not know. But Borat know is not authentic box he trying to be man with his box, but margarine is a womans box!

 

I think our party secretary who live in town hall forget today is box rally day, his wive think it is wash day! Who dooes you think wear those small trouser, as his wive is big woman?

 

 

The old king picture, my wive think look like Borat yes? So maybe I have some old king in my jeans?

 

Good bye bye. Chenque

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

I like Freddy Murcurry very much & know all his numbers & things he wear. Also like the Village Peoples, I like one day to come to US&A may be to join navy & YMCA to make much friends with all the boys & have nice time. Then may be we go for some fun gambling & shooting craps, this I think is not fair as they don’t move around very fast! But dooes they let me keep on my moustage? Maybe I have join RAF instead, Tally Ho old chap, is right for English slung?

 

I feel no well, headache in my stomage & make like soup of houses of windsor, which make me week & limp in the places. Sometime make me give dyorear which is not nice for my undertrouser. But is better than a frog in the throat or a toad in the hole. Dog complain if he try lick my face that I have pensioner breath! Well I not pensioner yet & what cheek has dog, who smell the same at both end I think!

 

But look what retard boys draw on my wall is not nice!

 

 

But soon maybe I am cured & I have surgery through my keyhole that sound not nice. So may be when we win Eurovision songs contest, you let us join E&U. Then I bring me & my family to do through my keyhole in NH&S. But may be NH&S send me to France as quicker it is done in case I complain you use up my human writes.

 

Must go now meet an old friend, Ivan Toogovv. Is just my humours, there is no Ivan really.

 

Good bye bye. Chenque

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

Tomorrow is new hunting season, like you in U&K we go shoot peasants. They arrive us from next village & show disrespect to my goat & make earth on my cabbages. If a man not have nice cabbage in his lawn how can he have respect from his womens & neighbours. Is like a cymbal, man with big cabbages can last longtimes. We also make soup off from cabbage & special shampon that stop hair looses. I like rub it in all over my places & especially by nice moustage. But this is near my nostriles that mean I smell the cabbage at often times. But it nicer smell than goat when is in the seasons.

 

You have saying that the cabbages are greener on the other side of the fences. Yes is like we have saying, the neighbours wive is always prettier than you own.

 

But cabbage also make easy with my movements of all types. I sometime do dance like locomotion & mashed potatoe but not yet learn do the fly or do the dog. Is not right thing I think.

 

My mama mama like Glen Miller, she like dance & I think a jitterbugger. She like do bogey wogey but I use hanky. My mama mama work to keep fit for her dancing, so she still able to doos 3 days a week on plough. I know she seem lazy but she is 127 years old. So we make respect for our olders, not like in U&K who not care for old peoples & send them to places like houses of lords. But she still need to do this as it bring shame on a family if man have to do the womans thing with plough, so women all pull together on plough. This is so horse can have day off for shopping & having friends round.

 

I am sorry is no picture this time. Local perty official from Ministry of Information is took it for take picture of my sister for money as she is pretty the places mostly.

 

BTW (Borat Think Why?) Over here we need no entry form like in U&K. You have to get permission now? I leave you waiting for penny to click.

 

Good bye bye. Chenque

[fv1609]

Jagshemash

 

Cliv tell me his pig is dyed, but my papa say a pig has to be dyed first before it can be cured. Is clever playing on the word is very funny. But Cliv has no humours now, he very boring anyway but he no smile now. I ask him why have two pig dyed in the engine, he get very humid with me. He get up early even with an overhang to do business to pig. He say me an early bird catches worm! But we have saying here that a worm who oversleeps is a worm who will live longest than a worms who get up early to make tunnels, work hard & get eaten by a bird who also wake up early. Is compliated but is true, yes?

 

This right, my mama put me on her knees & say this to me when I was 21 year old on my berth day. She also say Borat you are getting very heavy & I am getting very thinner, so no more siting on my laps. Afterward we have party with jellys she make from bones of mayor goat which she make me strong in my man body part. It bad luck to make bones from nana goat & maybe make into a la-la man or if is a daughter she will be strong have may be a dozen childrens. But not at the same time, is very uncomfortable I think!

 

Family have respect for mama so my wive she make her a new house, she work every hour God gives 23/6. New house for her it is like you have a granary annexe, this biggest we can afford. I buyed on ebuy, but I think some of walls are missed & roof has fallen down after some rainings like cats. But we have buy her some furniture, at the moment is not too much. It is village woodwork like we used to make in old times before communism come us in here. It is proud furniture, but is not very comfort table to the siting down parts even if you are not a man. But she not allowed to sit down much as the glue is not strong. It is not traditional dog glue we fit in applicators, the Ministry of Information say we not allowed use that now. So may be you let us in to join in the E&U now. It is not that we disrespect dog, it make dog proud to know one day he will be useful around the house.

 

 

You like her house? It is tyring supervisising my wife doing her jobs she so slow so I go now in garage & stand proud to watch British film I think called Bridge over the River Bogey. Is not sound nice place to go swimming or my wive washing my underneath trouser in. But I want I could whistle like the men. Maybe you teach?

 

So maybe sometime I come & meet the boys, do some whistling & cool out, we go catch some tottys, crack some whiskeys, maybe some presidential cigars, go shooting some crap, some fun time, have it a take it away & may be sick in back of tacki. And next day not remember why we have a sore in the head & other places.

 

Good bye bye. Chenque

[fv1609]

 

Democracy not always good thing, my wive she now pregnant with new ideas! No she not having a babies but has been thinking too much! But is not good for her, she think above herself & think she like work with me in the media & television. She think she like have desk job & read the news. But I say look at U&K tv newsreader have no chair & have to sit on table. Is not very comfortable.

 

But here we sometime ok & have chair for presenter only because it is chained to table. Sometime presenter is also as well chained to table if we have a bad people from prison come to make their confessions & swear loyalty to the president. But I say she not intelligent to be on TV, she not have a generals knowledge.

 

On quiz show to win a roll over prize of a bottle of goat disenfectant. He asked where are the mumbles? I think they come from the stomage of my wive when she eat too many of the cabbage or make too much of water from cabbage. But is wrong as he say the mumbles are in whales. But my wive think the mumbles are in wimbledon common where they pick up waste paper & politicians. Is maybe she right, yes?

 

Anyway she write with her crayons to sent her a job applicator. But I maybe they think also my wife not suit for job as is just letter signed by invented person calling herselve Lola Beedo. I think that mean they not really want her. Her job is in field & kitchen, is tradition here. If she not do this it bring shame on me that I don’t ware my own trouser in my house & my neighbour look down at me as limpy man. She soon must do her anual training & is compulsory with no.1 dog to do army training each anual. Here is dog practice trying hide from the dog catcher who come to try make for sausages. So dog keep very no movements.

 

Is not very good colour grass, is problem from sewedge factory as a leak I think. But is make many local jobs & is usefull for making biscuits & pottery for the tourists.

 

Good bye bye. Chenque & don’t eat the biscuits!