rambo1969 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 (The scene is the deck of the recently renamed British flagship, HMS Appeasement.) "Order the signal, Hardy." "Aye aye, sir." "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" "Sorry, sir?" "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist." "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." "Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge-drinking." "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." "I think you'll find that there's a four knots speed limit in this stretch of water." "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." "That won't be possible, sir." What? "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c's'le, Admiral." "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." "A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." "What? This is mutiny." "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" "Actually, sir, we're not." "We're not?" "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary." "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king." "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment." "What about sodomy?" "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." "In that case. .. kiss me, Hardy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hardyferret Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 HE HE HEEEEEEEEEE And that is about the truth of the whole sorry sad saga. :whistle: :whistle: Do like it though, did you think this up? Or did you find it? HF :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snapper Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 A ripe old cheese..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rambo1969 Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 I can't take credit for it, it was written by richard littlejohn from the daily mail, old, but brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlienFTM Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Blooming Nora it's 18 months since I posted that: http://www.hmvf.co.uk/index.php?option=com_smf&Itemid=38&topic=1207.15 I didn't realise I'd been a member that long!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snapper Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 And to think you've only just hung up your Marigolds in the clubhouse kitchens. Nice job. What I like about this forum is the immediacy of it all. I was very saddened to read about the Titanic today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 How about the 'nitty, gritty, debate? A couple of Police officers got roasted because this phrase was associated with slavery. What? First I'd heard of that. So after an ear bashing sermon from our thought commisar, being a cussed sod, I looked it up. The first use of such a phrase is from the 12th century. It was a term used in the milling of grain. At the time Oats were the main grain, wild oats have a black tip to the awns, that look like nits. If the grain is badly ground on poor stone or with the stones badly adjusted the stone can breack up leaving grit in the flour. thus poor quality grain badly ground was reffered to as 'Nitty Gritty' the black awn tips resembaling the insect eggs called Nits. Needless to say did not go down well, I was told I wasn't paid to think (Whcih led to me making a formal complaint) so there! Mind you when I was a kid Gay meant full of life and fun. :dunno: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlienFTM Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Mind you when I was a kid Gay meant full of life and fun. :dunno: Once, stationed in BAOR with 15th/19th The King's Royal Hussars, a birthday card arrived from my mother (actually it happened every year but let's not split hairs). On the back of the envelope, it read something like, "Sorry for the unfortunate choice of wording inside." When I opened it, she had addressed it, "To my gay hussar." It didn't go on public view ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snapper Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Before this topic gets closed down, I can add that when I was at school an afro-caribbean boy made a complaint of racism against our maths teacher Mr Pallister (who also taught us Rugby League.....in Hackney 1973) for calling his maths theories 'half baked' . The boy was my mate Cuthbert (who's dad tailored army officers uniforms) and my Dad explained it to him and the matter was dropped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony B Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 If someone is looking for trouble they will find something. My answer is to look shocked and say politely 'oh I do apologise, please explain exactly why that offends you, then I will know why I should not speak my own language' The result is inevitably retirement of aggrived party. Love thy enemy they hate it :evil: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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