Keito

Gotta love this Chinese doctor...!!! Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP: 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman you can trust & who would never lie. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you. 5. It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other!

That's me unemployed then !!!

Jack you need any fire advice let me know matey

Gabriels Oboe from the mission Spitfire engine (great soundtrack at full tilt)

A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 0K "Norma Findlay , Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood test just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Dear Friends Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £315,000 that Bill Gates/ Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the £50 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. Regards, Your friend Keito

316 and a double bounce

A man owned a small farm in Scotland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.' 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.' 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai, and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. -- This is your doctor, says the voice on the phone. We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H. -- G.A.S.H? replies the man. What in the hell is that? -- It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes, explains the doctor. -- Bloody Hell, Doc! screams the man in a panic, What are we going to do? -- Well we're going to put you on a strict diet of pancakes and pizza, says the doctor matter-of-factly. -- Will that cure me? -- Well no, says the doctor, but it's the only food that will fit under the door.

Bought a Goldfish and the bleeding thing is epileptic However.. if I leave it in the bowl it seems fine!

I won't say a word Jack ;o) A vicar books into a hotel and says to the clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled". she replies "no sir,its jus regular porn,u sick bugger"...

Tony, will be sure and come say hello ok matey!

Me and Steve are going Chappers

Tony your a star, thanks matey. You going to Brooklands?

Tony will need some advice re brakes as the poor devil started pulling violently to one side after his adventure to warmer climes! Tim tea and biccies on us when we see you next

Jack can I confirm that one of the WC51's is ours (Steve & Keith N44)

Part 4 Temperature really dropping now, it's about early o'clock and we are just approaching Sandy in Bedfordshire, I'm driving and Steve is frozen stiff, in the distance we can see a fog bank right across the road.... Me: Steve looks like it's getting foggy mate, guess it's about to get colder Steve: Yep! Me: do you want to drive for a bit? Steve: Nope! Me: ok I'll press on then. Steve: Yep! Then we drove in to the fog bank and bloody hell was it cold, frosted up the windscreen inside almost immediately, I put the wipers on and instantly nothing much happened (vacuum wipers are ****e huh)! We carried on like this for ages, driving through the fog with practically zero visibility, shivering and constantly aware of the not very bright rear lights we had on and the size of the lorries still overtaking us at what seemed like ballistic mph! What is it with these lorries that have covered their cabs in lights of varying colours? In the vibrating rear view mirror of the Dodge it looked like we were being pursued by alien spaceships! Roundabouts!!!!! what..... we hadn't seen one in ages, right standby to change down to 3rd, Steve watching me like a hawk I slowed down a little then press clutch move gear lever to neutral up with clutch hand full of revs down with clutch move gear leaver gracefully in to 3rd gear, clutch up slowly and negotiate roundabout, easy.... in theory, however when you are doing an impersonation of an overdressed icicle it kind of went "oh ****, brakes too slow, a little gas, too much, bolox, clutch gears revs crunch were in and away we go! This carried on for the next few roundabouts with each gear change getting better and better, finally on the M25 Steve announced he was ready to take over (goal hanging as we only had a few more miles to go)! Pull over on the hard shoulder and try to tease me pecker out in to the cold and fog so I can have a pee, get me trousers wet in the process as once he was back in the warm he decided to let by (way too much info I know but hey it's my story)! Steve telling me as we sat on the hard shoulder that the flyover above us was where a friends sister had committed suicide a few years back, cheers mate shall we press on now... Steve now driving with me wrapped in my poncho we carried on, finally arriving at our road at about 3am, I was just telling Steve to be careful as most accidents happen when you are tired and on familiar roads when bang, Steve clouted my neighbours wing mirror with his mirrors, quick look see and no damage (phew), and a very slow drive up the rest of the road. Finally parked up in Steve's drive for the night we climbed out the Dodge which had been our home for the last 10 hours and in a scene reminiscent from the film ice cold in Alex we had a beer to celebrate. All said and done it was a massive adventure that after a couple of days rest we both agreed was great fun and are ready to do it again. A quick thanks to the guys from Normandy44 who volunteered their services should anything happen on our road trip, fortunately we didn't need them but it was nice to know that throughout the UK we could call on someone for help if we needed it! I hope you enjoyed reading about our adventure as much as we enjoyed doing it. Keith and a very happy Steve!

Part 3 After missing Tim at the services we had a coffee and checked the oil levels and had a look underneath to see if we were missing any bits or any leaks appearing. A change of driver and I was sat in the driving seat, what a difference, the spare wheel protects you to some extent from the wind coming in to the cab, so an increase in temperature was a result especially as time was ticking on and it was getting colder. A crunch of gears and we were away again, Steve experiencing for the first time how cold it was when a lorry overtook (like a freezer door being opened and frozen air being blasted in to the cab)! Being a resourceful kinda guy I had brought with be my poncho, Steve promptly wrapped this round his lags and was sat there chuffed to bits looking round his new purchase. We carried on with no further incidents of note just miles and miles of road and the temperature dropping every minute, (your right Tim, everything gets inverted....trying to tease him out so I could pee)!!! So more miles and later and later and temp dropping all the time we carried on, we tried to stop about every hour so we could rest the Dodge while we had coffee and a quick defrost, this carried on for the next few hours until about just after Peterborough when we pulled in to refuel and grab some eats. End Of Part 3

Part 2 Arrived at Durham after a stress free 3 hours (I turned my satnav on whilst on the train...122mph don't you know, well for the price of the tickets I would fricken hope it was on the hurry up)! Jimmy met us in his van outside Durham station, spotted us easily as we both had Rangers jackets on (Rangers all the way) After about 5 minutes we had tuned in to what jimmy was saying as he was driving (blooming regional accents tsk), and turns out he was as sound as a pound, really nice fella who had a run of bad health and had to sell his beloved Dodge. What cheered him up we think was the thought of his Dodge going to a couple of reenactors and staying on the show circuit! Arrived at Jimmy's house and met his wife Barbara a lovely lady who made us a nice cup of coffee and gave us some choccy biccies, went in to jimmy's garage and there it was, a really really nice example of a Dodge WC51, it even smelt right! We had a quick look round it then Jimmy reversed it out the garage so we could have a better gander, Steve at this point was taking no incoming calls if you see what I mean! (talk about smile). We then went out for a spin with Jimmy driving and Steve in the passenger seat, by this time I had been relegated to the rear... Jimmy then proceeded to give Steve a master-class in double de-clutching and the finer points of Dodge driving, of course this went completely out the window when Steve had a go! (Jimmy was visibly wincing and at one point and even asked when Steve's driving test was booked)!!! A few more grounches of the gears and some tuition from me and Jimmy and Steve was nearly there (he had to be we had a 280 mile road trip to do)! We swapped seats and I had a go, I must confess to crunching a few gears and stalling a couple of times however I got the hang a lot quicker (having owned a couple of vintage cars had helped), Jimmy seemed satisfied that we wouldn't destroy his Dodge much more and we set off for his house. A few sheckles exchanged hands and Steve was the new owner of a beautiful 1942 Dodge WC51, time now about 5:30pm and dark!!! Jimmy escorted us to the Garage and pointed us on to the main road for us to get home, a warm handshake and a good luck and he was gone...thanks Jimmy. Steve and I looked at each other Steve was still grinning from ear to ear, so much so he looked like a PEZ dispenser (remember them)? Enough of this crap we thought, right fuelled up (jeeezus H Christ HOW MUCH), mixture added, seated comfortably and we were off..... to the sound of crunching gears and a quick stall at the lights, right try again, thats better now for one of Keiths top tips when driving a vintage vehicle that needs double de clutching.... Don't go up too many gears too quick as you will only need to change back down again when the traffic lights change colour, simples!!! Right, back on track and now on the A1M heading south to London, giggling like stupid dick heads at 44 mph on the A1M, HGV's passing us at 55mph about 3mm from my side as Steve is not used to a left hand drive vehicle and keeps wandering in to the middle lane! "Oi Steve stop smiling and steer the bloody thing to the left will you I think we just lost a coat of paint on that Eddie Stobart lorry"!!! And so it continues on and on and on and on and oh you get the picture.... Had to keep an eye on the gauges as Jimmy had not used the Dodge much in the past 12 months so we were a little apprehensive to say the least, kind of difficult with no dash lights so head torches were put on (luckily we brought them) and we had fun blinding each other when we wanted to say something so we put them away again. Tim texted to ask how we were getting on so I texted back to say we were going to pull in to a services (forget the name now but no doubt Tim will remember) at this point we went sailing past the entrance to the services so we continued on to the next one. Now what I didn't realize was that Tim had decided to jump in his car and drive to the services that I had said we were pulling in to as it was about 30 minutes from where he lived, he arrived and took a drive around the car park looking for a Dodge, after several circuits of the car park he thought sod this, I'm off before I get done for dogging (whatever that is Tim....Tim......TIM?)! End of part 2

Message put on Normandy 44's forum and the ww2 reenactors forum... Our Dodge(y) adventure PART 1 What started out as a post in the for sale section ended up as a bit of a do for me and chippy Steve! When I spotted Tim's ad for a WC51 Dodge I gave Steve a ring as he had been looking for one for a while however when he had the money to buy one last time the bloody tax man cometh and taketh away said funds (Bstard)! After a quick chat Steve hotfooted it round here to take a look at the pics Tim had sent me via email, a quick phone call to Tim's mate Jimmy who was selling the Dodge made up Steve's mind to take a look and to take cash (before said tax man returns)! Quick phone call to the bank went something like this.... Steve: I'd like to withdraw £5000 from my account immediately please! Bank: Sorry sir but you will have to wait 48 hours before we can give you your own money. Steve: You F**k** it's my money and I want it now! Bank: see above! Steve: it's £5000 not £5 million I want... Bank: see above! Steve: **** ************************** Quick call to Jimmy to hold the Dodge till Wednesday and we will come up then, all confirmed plans now set in motion. Steve arrives Tuesday night for a beer and to try and book train tickets for Durham cost £56 each if we book now.... mmmmm Steve when you getting the cash? Steve: bank says about 1 o'clock Wednesday! mmm ok best buy tickets in the morning then once you get the cash. Another beer or three follows Wednesday morning Steve is beating the banks doors at 9am, meanwhile back at HQ I am researching ticket prices, HOW MUCH!!!! Overnight the tickets have DOUBLED in price £112 pounds each (it's the same destination from the same departure, what the F***)! Steve arrives holding the folding then promptly chokes as I show him the price of the tickets, quick call later and we are booked for the 12:30 from Kings Cross to Durham. Another quick call to the insurance company to get us insured on the Dodge (I think Steve had made his mind up he was buying it before we left) and a result... Steve as main driver me as a named driver on a 1942 WC51 (a what? said the insurance company) only cost an additional £25 for the year on his existing insurance. Right lets get that train HOLY F** is that the time? are those tickets transferable...NO........Quick in to the Keito mobile ! Arrived at Kings Cross with about 2 minutes to spare before the train left, settled in to our seats then started bogging the beautiful girl that sat in the next aisle... talk eventually turned to the Dodge and events and war and peace and victory and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz END OF PART 1

Errrrm, I have always endeavored to entertain the fairer sex ( I think that was the legal way of saying it). Oh by the way if you need a fireman (20 years experience) for advice or risk assessments give me a buzz

Jack, As far as the tented city goes we will be bringing a small wall and a pyramidial so will have spare accomodation! Keith

Jack, If things go well this week Me and Steve will be bringing a Dodge WC51 (he is buying it and I need to book time off). Dressed as 2nd Rangers (Normandy44) oh and we might even bring your family member John with us! Keith