rambo1969

I can't take credit for it, it was written by richard littlejohn from the daily mail, old, but brilliant.

(The scene is the deck of the recently renamed British flagship, HMS Appeasement.)

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye aye, sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Sorry, sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge-drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a four knots speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

What?

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c's'le, Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case. .. kiss me, Hardy."

Safariswing; I LOVE YOU :whistle:

thanks for the help.

That was my mate waiting in the lay by for me.

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Ive watched pimp my ride a few times, bloody awful, but overhaulin', thats brilliant.

Thanks mate, big cake for you at sailsbury.

SEll the wife/house/kids and live in the jimmy ;-)

When I read the title "rubber", I got all excited! :whistle:

Posting photos does my head in!

We had a brilliant day!.

It was bloody freezing though. We thought we'd go instead of malvern as we have never been before.

Well done to the team that sorted everything out.

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I'm going to try and sound non political.

What I cannot understand is why we need new laws, what we need is the criminals who commit gun related crime being punished. There is supposed to be a minimum 5 yrs for carrying a gun, yet in london people are still getting 2 yrs.

AS far as I am aware, no one from the military vehcile movement has ever reactvated a gun and used it in crime.

This is why when we attend shows we MUST make the effort to talk to the public and show them we are not all gun nutters.

I may have to corrupt some of the teams with various cakes :whistle:

East london dodgy squaddies will win ;-) :whistle:

Devil's advocate;

Whatever they do with the money will cause a row.

I become a muslim at christmas ;-) :whistle:

I normally store my big tins of paint upside down, when they need stirring I atttach a home made l shape mixer to a drill and give it a good stir up. Sometimes I add a bit of white spirit to make it easier.

I use old paint for the inside of vehciles and wheels, on the out side I use fresh paint ALWAYS.

I know a couple of people who have bought paint from shows and have aggro with it, you just don't know what your buying.

My advice to anyone painting a motor is to go to the local car paint shop and get synthetic paint made up, they can mix any colour now.

I have decieded that I AM nuts!, the worrying thing is, I like it! ;-)

I'm not mad, but everyone I work with is! ;-).

The drivers in my cab office salute me when I come into work and say "hello sergeant".

A bridge to far.

The siege of fire base gloria, a vietnam film, better than platoon.

A blonde in cammo gear for me please! ;-)

There will be plenty of cakes for everyone!. Chocolate, fruit, carrot and a london special-giggle cake!.

Me and the boy's are looking foward to this.

Those off you who did'nt go last year, make sure you go!. It's a fantastic start to the season.

If it's p*ssing you off my advice would be to have a break for a while, there is nothing worse than working on a motor with the 'ump.

If you did take it to a MOT test centre, I would imagine when they put the reg no in thier computer it will tell them if it is MOT exempt.

I have always got on well with my MOT tester, I have used the same one for years and he likes testing MV's, it makes a change from mondeos.

A good MOT tester can see if you look after your vehcile and will normally just give you an advise rather than fail.

Go for the lightwieght, it can be used everyday and is a bit more practable than a 101. I put range rover diffs in mine and it made a huge difference.