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To make you laugh


Jack

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Ha ha ha.....well almost.

I recognised some of them from experience..>:(

 

There is still a crack in the lintel of the garage of parent's old house where I attempted to use it to support the engine lift on my Austin Gipsy. :blush: In my defence it was the first time I'd ever changed a clutch.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit.He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

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born before 1946 were called The Silent and powerful generation.

- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X,

- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y,

So why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

 

 

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[h=6]A guy is driving around the back woods of Dorset and he sees a sign in front of a broken farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a litter of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

 

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a feckin liar, he's never been out of the yard'.

[/h]

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Two Gunners, skiving down range, come across a dead animal.

''A dead donkey'' says G1

 

''Naw its a mule''Says G2

 

''Donkey''

 

''Mule''

 

BSM turns up ''Wot you idiots on about''?

 

G1 ''He says its a mule I say its a donkey, sir''

 

BSM ''Your both wrong, it's an Ass, now dig a hole and bury it''

 

Three feet down and sweating, along comes the Padre.

 

''Morning boys, digging a fox hole ''?

 

G1 & G2 just look at him.....................................

 

 

 

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A man decided he needed a guard dog. He decided to vist a dog breeder and saw he dog he liked. 'What breed is that?' he asked

 

'A type of border Collie' replied the dealear

 

'Are they any use as guard dogs?' asked the man

 

 

'Na' replied the breeder 'Absolutley useless, it a British Border type collie'

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A man decided he needed a guard dog. He decided to vist a dog breeder and saw he dog he liked. 'What breed is that?' he asked

 

'A type of border Collie' replied the dealear

 

'Are they any use as guard dogs?' asked the man

 

 

'Na' replied the breeder 'Absolutley useless, it a British Border type collie'

 

lol.........

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A little duck walks into a pub at dinner time and ask for a pie and a pint..

 

Landlord: "Wow! a talking duck!"

Duck: "Yeah yeah what of it? look come on mate, I don't get long for my dinner break so serve me up"

Landlord: "I'm sorry mate but I have never seen a talking duck before!...what brings you in here then?"

 

Duck: "Well I just started work on the building site over the road mate and fancied a pie and a pint"

Sure enough the Duck comes in every day for a week and just before he comes in on the Firday a circus ring master rushs in and orders and downs 4 double whiskies.......

 

Landlord: "Whats up with you then mate you loook a bit stressed ?"

Ring Master: "Stressed! you bet I'm stressed mate !...We've just set the big top up on the village green down the road and the dancing pony has dropped dead and we've got a kids matinee at 3pm ...I don't know what I'm gonna do"

 

Landlord : "Hey mate stop fretting ! There's a little talking duck comes in here everyday for his dinner why don't you have him instead? that'd be way better than a dancing pony!"

Ringmaster agrees it would be indeed be a lot better a draw and asks the Landlord to offer the duck 10 times his weekly wage if he'll come up to the Circus for the afternoon whilst he goes and changes all the posters to say 'talking duck instead of 'dancing pony'.........

sure enough an hour later the duck walks in and orders his usual pie and a pint...

 

Landlord: "never mind that, get yourself up the road to the circus and the ring master will pay you 10 times what you're earning on that building site!"

 

The little duck looks completely confused and more than a bit disinterested...the landlord tries again

 

" go on! get up the road whats the matter with you?"

the little duck replies: " Well I would , but what the hell do they want with me in a Circus? I'm a bricklayer!"

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  • 4 weeks later...

Warning.

 

Anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

 

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

 

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

 

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

 

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

 

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

 

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

 

N.B.

a) Per the case of Blake v DPP [1993] Crim LR 587 'God' is not a 'person' capable of giving permission or consent* - as such, despite being called 'the angel of the lord', he/she/it would remain solely accountable for any damage/destruction of property belonging to another caused by the effects of the aforementioned Glory and would likely be charged with criminal damage were any such damage/destruction to occur.

 

B) Should the operators of this vehicle wish the practise to continue beyond the sole event, perhaps on an annual basis, it is suggested that the correct formalities should be followed for the creation of a quasi-easement. Furthermore it is suggested that the landowner discharge the Common Duty of Care provided in the Occupiers' Liability Act 1957 by requiring and ensuring the provision of written notice by the sleigh-riders as to their willing acceptance of any risks posed by the land itself.

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

 

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all he reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

 

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

 

Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

 

Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

 

“What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

 

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

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  • 2 months later...

[TABLE=class: MsoNormalTable, width: 100%]

[TR]

[TD=width: 100%][TABLE=class: MsoNormalTable, width: 100%]

[TR]

[TD=width: 100%]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Variation Law

If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The Coffee Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

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